Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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