I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
