for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
