it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
