New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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