Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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