according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
