I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
