life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I need water and some morals
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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