the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
