why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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