OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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