someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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