the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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