he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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