Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
