i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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