my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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