OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
