My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
