I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
