My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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