I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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