Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
