i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
