In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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