the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
