I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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