You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
