Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
