I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
