i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
