I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
