Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
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