Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
