So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
