I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
