she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
