So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
