I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
