How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
