After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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