This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
