someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
