where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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