So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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