Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
