talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
