it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you win again, gameday.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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