I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
