i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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