Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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