I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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