My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
