Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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